Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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