Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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