im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
