Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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