it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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