i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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