a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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