Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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