you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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