My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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