Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
