I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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