anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
