I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
