So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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