Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
