if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
