The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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