oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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