It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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