I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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