Michael Bay diarrhea
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we're making bets on your personal life
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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