My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
