The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
