guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
