Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
