Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
