i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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