While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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