I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
