Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
