so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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