I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
