Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
