This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
