My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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