He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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