just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
