K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
