Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
