apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
