You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
