If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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