this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
