ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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