Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
