Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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