Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
