I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
