What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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