next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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