Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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