my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
