All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
