Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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