i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she looked like the before picture.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
