I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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