Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
