It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
